Rikku’s Fantasy~

“Why are downcast, O My Soul?

Why so disturbed within me.” (a)

This phrase describes exactly how I feel

Reasons either unknown or too many to define.

Kind words from friends can barely reach me

Within I felt distance, within I felt alone

They say He has the answer

and He said ’seek and you will find’

So I begged Him,

"Please let me know that You are near,

please let me know that you care."

Why are You hinding from me?

Am I too blind to see

or and I too deaf to hear?

I woke in the present, wondering why am I here

I believe not by coincidence, I believe not by chance

So I said a little prayer,

"If here is where You will speak,

then here I will be to listen."

I waited with a patient I don’t have

Still, here with the monkeys (b) I stayed

Then in the crowd I saw…

a smile with outstretched arms

You told me that you knew

Finally You said that You care

Just that one voice from you is all I needed

It sounded so sweet that touched my heart

With a cry I let out tears of release

It was then I had a new dream

A dream never for us to be apart.

Footnotes:

(a) NIV Bible, Psalms 42:5

(b) Koinonia Camp was held somewhere in the middle of jungle (which I still do not know where was it, so dun ask me) with tons of monkeys hanging around.

I just back from dancing in street party tonite…I’m supposed to feel happy and satisfied but no, I felt so many different feelings at the same time and confused…Not one of the feeling is happy or satisfied, just tired…physically and emotionally. I may look like I enjoyed myself and had fun there, but I danced was not for fun, I danced was to dance off my feelings and my confusions just now. I dunno what to think and how I feel or what I feel just mixed feeling and confused. I felt I had made a mistake was one of the reason I’m felt disturbed. Everything is so messed up and I dunno how to settle it. Also, just now even people complimented that I danced well but I felt invisible…

When people say “home sick” I never really understand what it means until it hits me, HARD. Yes, I’m suffering from a sickness call “home sick” right now. I can’t believe that I got sick of the sickness that I dun really believe it exists. I only just realised that i’m suffering from this disease from a friend when i told her about how badly I felt lately.

What are the symptoms? How come no one ever told me? If I had known, I would have done something to prevent or reduce it. To think back I think I already had it since the 2 week semester break. Now I’m only in the second week of a new semester and it got serious. They say cure is to get home. The problem is that for my circumstances I can’t have that antidote right now, so what now? What are the alternatives? I can only go home at August and now is only May…haih….this is definitely worst that fever.

Time passes me by or I pass by time? However, I had came to a point in time where I just feel like passing by time, slow it may be that time pass me by. Confusing? Haha…Despite how busy I supposed to be it often seems to have a lot of empty intervals in between my busy schedule. This blank time slot…haiz…I had always wished that I can have someone special to spend it with lo, instead of having to stare at the hand of my clock that goes ‘click, click, click’ (O.o)” or just sitting in front of my computer staring (@_@) at it and waiting something to happen. Besides the need to do most of the necessary stuff in the room, frankly to say I hated to stay in the room, especially alone. Sometimes I even think: "Is there something wrong with me? Or does this happen to everyone else too?" Maybe not introverts. Introverts are so lucky coz I dun think they will have this problem. Times like these are like gold to them, it’s most enjoyable time for them having all the space to themselves staring the 4 walls, ceiling and the floor and not go crazy >.<” Is there such thing as a 24/7-on-call friend? Even a 24/7-bf doesn’t exist! Wish I can have one though…hehe…dare to dream~