Rikku’s Fantasy~

At this very moment

When things fall apart

I don’t think I had really took it in yet

Because I know then I will sit down and cry

I couldn’t shed a tear

But inside my heart deeply depressed

There’s no one that I could have thought of

But only you oh Lord, my dear God

Daddy God, please guide me through

A lot of people are worried about me

And all I can do is to stay calm myself

So that I don’t worry them much more

No one else but only you Lord Jesus

That could keep me going on

The road is rough and hard

You promised me my feet won’t get hurt

Please Oh Lord, lift me up I pray

Let me soar with u through this storm of mine

I’ll hold on to you so tight even it bleeds

I will never let you go…

     Falling in love may sound easy…like u just fall. But it is not really as easy as it sounds.

U have to find the right person and the right person have to find u and both fall in love in the same time. Else it is not mutual but only one clapping on side of the hand…there’s no sound, no mutual love.

     Anyone who is in love before know how hard it is to fall out of love. The hurt degree depends degree of how deeply in love you are and how close you are with the person you love…depends also on the time, money and the sacrifices spent.

Falling out of love hurts everytime you fell in love and it doesn’t matter what kind of relationship you are in.  It doesn’t only hurts in long term and steady relationships but also short term or "planned" relationships or in a "relationship" where u don’t call it a relationship at all.

As long as you are really in love with that person and when one day, for some reason, something made u realised that you have to stop loving that person…it just hurts.

     So many times I have to ask myself..why love then when there’s always hurt in the end? Is it worth falling in love? Is it worth exchanging all that sweet memories for a very painful ending? Note that the more and sweeter the memories, the more pain you will have to endure in the end.

So…to fall in love or not to fall in love~?

   Hey all~! I finally left inti~!!! hehe…I had completed my final sem there. I miss home very much while in inti but now, a week at home…i miss inti. Leaving inti just make me think back of all the people who i met, going in and out of my life. The smiles i’ve seen and the laughter i’ve heard. The people who make a difference in my life and the people who had not, but pressed a print in my memories ^-^

   All my friends out there, all my bros and sis out there…whether we are close or not, like whether u and i can remember where we came from or when is our birthdays…whether we see each other often or not, like whether we just walking around doing our own things but met each other on the streets of inti and gave each other a just a brief smile…however, I’m glad that we met and even more thankful if we had been close and had shared time together.

    I really mean E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E of u…start from the people i met in first sem orientation week, all my roomates from the first sem to the last -there’s 8 of u (included the hitchhiker from the opposite room…u know who u are =p), then all my classmates from first to the last in both courses, all club members in all the clubs tat i’ve joined, all the people i met in other clubs, committee and intima, people i met in LAN network both chat and game, people i met in any inti events or outing, friends i’ve been on trips with, the Extreme i had danced with, people i had traveled to church with both banting and FCC, friends i’ve had dinner and yamcha with, people i had hangout or study all around inti with, all cfers, all FCCers and FSers…

Big or small, much or less, all u guys have formed and made little pieces of part and parcel of my life which made who i am today =)

   Gonna miss u all and hope we will meet again someday ^-^ take care ya everyone and wish u all the best in life~! God bless~~~

    Last nite after dinner…being a good daughter like myself =p, I went swimming with my mum. Then after that she brought me to buy "durians under the bridge"~!!! That’s another thing great about home…about kk. There’s durians selling until late at nite up to 11pm. U can either eat there or take it back at home and eat. Of course we take back coz there’s no water to clean ur hands after u eat there >.<"

    Why they call it durians under the bridge? coz they are practically selling durians under the bridge la! hahaha….not those bridge where there’s river flowing underneath la…then the durians seller and the durians will be under the water and mayb fishing as well =D. It is actually pedestrian bridge for people to walk, so underneath is parking and roads and stuff. There used to be pasar malam (night market) there as well whole stretch in line with the durian stalls.

    Last nite i didn’t see no pasar malam. I guess it wasn’t a psr mlm nite or they packed up early and left already coz tat time i went was quite late already. The bridge was actually town area. Besides the people there selling durians, all around was dark…quite and spooky….yeaps, mum was rite…it’s cowboy town baby! YEEEHAAA~~~ opps…k…supposed to be scary…wind blowing (phiiiiuu~~~~)…leaves and dust flying around gathering into little whirl wind on the ground….tumble weeds rolling around…the sound of horse hoops galloping in the night announcing the arrival of night rider…yikes~! k…all this is not true k =p

    Anyway, happily we got home and was eating the durians…that night seems like everyone sleeps early in our neighbourhood tat’s when the petrolling starts…yes, it’s the night rider on his big black horse doing the roaming and petroling around our nighbourhood again…but it’s still early! it’s only about 11pm! well, i can’t negotiate with him…mayb it wasn’t him? Maybe it’s one of the spirits prisoner who escapes from cative and searching for food early coz later the night rider will start to go around…I know there’s something there coz the dogs outside howled….me and my mum stared at each other…yikes~time to sleep. Quickly we put the rest of the durians into the containers and went to bed. yumm…to think the durians is cold in the refrigerator right now…hehhe i’m leaving u for my durians…bye! ^-^

Here some pictures of my late Hamham which i have promised some people to post it up here so that they can know who is he.

Yeap, I kinda got a “culture shock” on my second night back at home. How could this possible to happen? I guess maybe I really had been away from home for quite a while…it was 8 months.

I had kept reminding myself what my home like lifestyle I’m going to face for the coming 3 weeks at home but nevertheless find it a little hard to take. First is living with so many people in the same place. There’s mum, grandpa, two sis and me. After living in hostel with just a roommate and she a reasonable volume person, I find it hard to take when my mum and my grandpa speaks very loudly. Part-arguing about something I find it lame to be argued upon and it can go on for hours~! I couldn’t take the volume of the noise so I ran upstairs to protect my ears.

Secondly, I couldn’t really get used to the fact I’m living in a house. There’s living room, dining and kitchen, staircase up to the rooms. Everything is like…everywhere! Like for example, when I wanted to use something, it’s always either I’m upstairs and the thing I needed is downstairs or I’m downstairs and the thing I needed is upstairs. Also, I dun even know where to find a very simple thing I need to use, like for example, a cotton bud. I also dun know where to keep my things sometimes in case I couldn’t find it whether upstairs or downstairs. Ya, note that our study room is downstairs so we can keep our stuff there or in our room which is upstairs. It’s really not that I’m lazy or what…erm, ya maybe a little but it’s the frustration of not getting the thing u want >.<”” So, that’s why now I haven’t empty my luggage bag yet. I’m afraid that my things will disappear merging into the so many things around at home. Also, since I have been away from home…I lost my own space at home which was taken over by my sisters. So, I kinda dun have a particular space at home which belongs to me…sad =(

Did I mention my house ghost Casper? He’s the third shock. Besides all those problems, there was this friendly ghost of ours living with us which we name him Casper after that popular movie Casper the friendly ghost. I can’t tell you where exactly he is right now, whether he’s in the house or not but I will know he’s around when our stuff at home got missing~! Casper likes to takes stuff and hides it. He like to take things we use most often, like from car keys to CDs and scissors. When will he returns it? God knows, sometimes he return it after a very long time putting it back to the most accessible place anyone couldn’t miss. I believe he had taken something of mine already coz I seriously believe there’s something missing form my things and couldn’t really figure it out yet.

Now talking about ghosts…there are ghost hanging around outside which I forgotten. They are the next shock I’m gonna get. My mum call our town “cowboy town”. After she went to KL then to Nilai, she was surprise to know that people there never sleeps. In inti itself peple likes to yamcha till late or near down. She said it’s not like KK, where at a certain time, nearly the whole town close and there’s not a single soul on the street, which I disagree coz it’s not true…there are prostitutes doing business at that time unless mayb she doesn’t consider them souls =p…ANYWAY…back to my ghosts…around 2am-3am in the morning I woke up. I slept very early last night coz I still haven’t restored to my full health since exam and packing marathon. I woke up in a very quite and cold environment besides the sound of the air-con, ya, the coldness is from the air-con =p not ghost. I was feeling thirsty so I went down to the kitchen downstairs. My grandpa just finish having his in-the-middle-of-the-night supper, which I still find it very weird which I also forgotten he used to do that and was surprised to see someone still in the kitchen clanging the utensils in the middle of the night. He went back in his room and I was left there alone. Then after I’m done drinking, as I walk back upstairs as I was nearly halfway up, it started…it’s time for the ghost of the neighborhood to roam. How I know? Coz the neighborhood dogs starts to bark like crazy~! I can hear a lot of them barking very loud. I quickly run upstairs and tug myself into my bed. After sometime it died down, surprisingly it was for a while only. This has been going on for years since I was very young. At the same time every morning that happen. Sometimes it goes on for a few more minutes. I knew this coz I happen to like to go to the toilet at that hour to have a break from my sleep.

Also another thing, while sleeping in the rooms upstairs, sometimes can heard things, especially when it is really quite and you are lying down. When I started to get myself unconscious again, I hear this buzzing sound and sometimes as if u can hear people talking downstairs. But when I sat up the noise went away. Hmm…make me couldn’t sleep. It was creepy. Not only I imagine a ghost mask rider riding on his big black horse clearing the street outside my house of human souls but I start to hear things. Yikes…Actually, it is very normal for all these to happen at home. I had always experience it when I’m growing up. Despite I may have gotten used to it but it’s been a while since I lived in this house. (play X-files music background…)

Hohoho…my Casper now knows how to switch on and off the kitchen lights~! Lolx~!!!

Home is Heaven~! two days in a row i get to have dimsum for breakfast~! Did i mentioned to anyone before that i love dimsum??? Monday my grandpa asked me to have breakfast with him at Hai3 Wai4 Tien1 restorant. I wanted to go to Fu Phin but grandpa said it’s close on Monday. sad….but then the next day, my grandpa brought me to Fu Phin!! the best dimsum in town!!! so nice….love it. I’m so glad to be home!!! and sumore…of course it’s grandpa’s treat ^-^

The plane soar, taking heights, leaving the land of peninsula…heading towards my favorite place…land below the wind. The land underneath me finally out of our sight as the plane flew into the clouds. Knowing that this is not the last scene that I’m going to witness as one day I’m going to fly away in the same way towards the UK in September.

As there is nothing much to do in the plane, I observe as the stewardess work. I think air asia stewardess are really pretty and really responsible. I like the best part is where they have to go thought all that “emergency dance” as they listen to the “music” behind sang by one of their fellow crewmate at the PA about the steps the passengers have to do during emergency. There were two stewardesses in red “dancing” with their gadgets accordingly the “lyrics” of the dance…their gadgets were the oxygen mask and a life jacket which I thinks is very cool coz it has  a torch on it and a whistle~! I have seen this dance so many times but still amused by it lol~~~

Then after that I have nothing much to do but to sleep. I haven’t had enough sleep since after exam because of all the packing and moving my stuff out from my room to check out from my hostel. Staring at the very white clouds passing by…I felt asleep with my boobles…(bobbles is my little pet fist opps…actually my SOFTTOY someone special gave it to me which is a nemo fish ^-^)

Then, I just saw it…this really huge big cloud in the shape of a ship, not one but few…out side the window of our plane as we are flying just above the clouds. It was a sea of white clouds outside look like we’re in the world of cottons…then, later all the big cloud thingy moved and shook off the clouds covering it, revealing huge aircrafts in green, like those in the military with levels of windows and many guns with little little fans attached around it. It looks like the one I saw in a Japanese cartoon called Laputa. I remembered I saw before a humungous cloud which looks like the floating city in Laputa in the sky also, during my flight either through or back from the east and west Malaysia. Then I came to realized, omg…don’t tell me they are…before I got to finish my sentence, one of the the military aircrafts starts to fire which lead the other aircrafts to fire back. The firing and the explosion was so intense. There are bullets and missiles flying everywhere and my plane just happen to pass by a war in the air~!!! They must have been fighting to conquer the mysterious flying city that floats in the air which hosts the base of the world’s greatest weapon. I wanted to take pics =p but then our plane flew below the clouds to avoid being accidentally attacked though we’re not a participant in the fight.

Then I just look at my watch to find out how long have I been sleeping. It was then I realized I woke up. Haha….ya, it was all a dream =p. I stared out the window and truly I saw aircraft-like clouds and smiled to myself. =)

YAY~!!! Finally I back HOME in Sabah~! Wow….it’s been a while since I step foot in my own home…the last time was on the 3^rd of January! I flew back this morning with my mum in a very shaky flight and a bumpy landing. Thank God we all arrived safely. I felt very heavy hearted to leave inti …which includes so many things…from friends, food my room and the lifestyle there….but happy to come back home too. So happy to get to see both my younger sis and my grandpa again…miss my PS too =p hehehe…and of course all my church brother and sisters here.

Last nite I get to take pics with bros and sis-s of FCC jus in case it’s my last time seeing them…felt so sad to leave them. The usher team where I used to serve with prayed for me and I felt really touched and appreciate they prayers. A sis who is my senior who just finished law studies also prayed for me and the others who put me in their prayers I thank everyone…I will continue to pray for everyone, the church as a whole too~! I love FCC~!

Then today, I reach back kk, had lunch with mom, mina (moina-mina is a pet name I call her in the house) and pikles (Kimberly-also, pickles is her pet name I call her =p) and my gong gong (aka grandpa) at DAMAI, my favourite hangout place to have TUARAN MEE, wo dieh and xui jiao, siew pau, kaya pau and this really nice Japanese ball thingy, zhu chap and qi cheong fan…nearly cannot finsh eating =p so greedy hahaha…

Ivy couldn’t wait to see me…once I got home she straight away come my house fetch me to my home church (All Saints Cathedral). I havn’t even unpacked yet! U know why the rush? Coz my other bros and sis of D’Stream (which is also another of my church =p…wah, so many churches haha…big family here ma…) are having fun playing erm…foosball?…wat wat ball? arrr…whatever ball la…there at the ASC basketball court. Thanks Ivy for bring me there to surprise everyone to announce my arrival~! Mauks~! Actually Ivy herself was also surprised to know that I am back today (though I told her already tat I’m coming back…she mistake the dates herself…hah~! Though it’s nice to seem tat as if I had surprised her…) Anyway~! I get to meet so many familiar faces of home…I miss hanging out with them.

I met Audry, Dee, Phylis, Philip, Standly, Shawn, Jon Lee, Jon Tai, Jonathan Tse!!!(a familiar face from FCC hehe…), Eugene and his little black dog puppy who is, I think, is most happy to see me…or my jeans…coz he’s the only one come running to me to give a big bite to my jeans~! I hope I dun left anyone out…However, that is not full attendance…hope to see others soon too. They later went yamcha after playing but sad I couldn’t join…felt so anti-social laaarrr….it’s coz my mum was complaining I havn’t even settle down at home yet also wanna got out of the house already =p yikes~! Haha so I just drop by to see them a while to catch up a little then obediently bring my presence back home while they went yamcha and later go to watch movie (“Click”) later at nite again without me…anyway, still I’m happy I get to see nearly everyone just now…hope to see the rest of them during my this 3 weeks of holiday. Definitely can’t wait to go church the coming Sunday~!

So ladies and gentleman…I’m home sweet home~!!!

I own a lot of things, whether legally or illegally, whether tangible or intangible but these things do not belong to me. They are mere items which are acquired by pure grace from the Supreme Being whom I come to know. He became the person closest to me, the closest that anyone could get. These things that I thought was mine I acknowledge now to be items which was give to me for certain purpose. Be it what purpose and whether had it achieved only he will know. For the reason these things do not really belong to me, I can never keep it. It is only by His intentions that I be blessed by these things and also by His will that these things are to be returned. It is easy to return something but hard when you are not prepared to return it. However, if He is to take back what I had thought belonged to me which I had attached myself to; I nevertheless will give thanks to Him for the opportunity at all that I will be able to be benefited from it.

These remind me of a song…

You give and take away

You give and take away

But still my heart will say

Blessed be Your name…

Though my lips will find it hard to sing now but my heart will never cease to praise Thee in silent.